Like him or loathe him, Kevin Samuels has left his mark. If we want to grow as adult men and women, honest and respectful conversations need to occur between people who truly care about the sustainability of the African American community and how African American men and women relate to each other. These conversations, which may hurt some, regardless of how they are delivered, can be centered around several topics like, 1. How men and women relate each other; 2. How men truly see women; 3. How women truly see men; 4. How men and women accept and work on accountability for their actions and personal growth, as they relate to each other; 5. What is Toxic Masculinity, 6. What is Feminism and 7. How Toxic Masculinity and Feminism may impact the African American community.
Let me say up front that I did not care for his delivery as I felt it was a cheap, lazy trick to bait individuals to call. Yet, at the same time, I agreed with some of what he shared in his content. I was not offended by anything that he said for various reasons. For me, Kevin Samuels had not said anything new. He just wrapped certain values in a new package and sold it as something controversial and provocative. I believe that because we come from the same generation, that much of what he said, I had already heard. Things like (and I’m paraphrasing), “Do your best to be married before having children,” “Always try to look your best and present your best,” and lastly something I strongly believe for myself, “Don’t come to the relationship negotiation table with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich expecting to trade for steak.”
When it comes to how African American men and women relate, there is a lot to unpack. I think/feel that it is clumsy and reckless to talk about romantic relationships in the African American community without first giving history about and context to, our past. There has to be a discussion about how the African American family structure for many, has been attacked and dismantled over centuries. Some of our destructive behaviors towards each other, may be attributed to what our ancestors went through and what we have not healed from, as people who were stolen and then treated like farm animals in this country.
Mindful Marketing: Buyer Beware! Controversy Sells
Entrepreneurs can only sell what people are buying. Point blank, Kevin Samuels found a niche market, created a platform for those who either felt forgotten, wounded or needed to be heard, and he exploited it. Does this tactic sound familiar? While I do understand the intense feelings of some regarding his content, I do have questions to those who found his content so disturbing. Are we holding other Black entrepreneurs to the same standards? For example, and I AM NOT suggesting this at all, but are we criticizing Black men and women who do the nudy thing on OnlyFans? Are we holding Black pastors who preach prosperity doctrine and give parishioners’ money to banks that won’t give loans to those same parishioners? Have we done more than march and verbally protest the inequality of education for black and brown children? Shucks-do we even vote effectively? Finally, for some of us, are we giving the same energy and effort to hold accountable, those who come into our communities, move us out of our homes or sell products that harm our health and destroy our neighborhoods?
An Observation of Accountability
There are jokes and memes that talk about women’s inability to apologize, and refusal to admit when we’re wrong. While many of the jokes and memes may be funny to some, the real question is, do they have any merit? Ladies-are some of us defensive when it comes to being held accountable for the decisions we’ve made as it pertains to our relationships. I ask because it appeared to be a theme with Kevin Samuels and some men who followed him.
To offer some context, it has never been my intention to dismiss or excuse Bill Cosby’s involvement in his fall from grace. I’ve pointed out many times, that Bill Cosby has been married for as long as I’ve been alive. Whenever I have written or spoken about the women who knew he was married, yet went ahead and participated in the inappropriate behavior, I get crickets when the discussion comes to holding them accountable for their involvement.
Some of the responses I have been given were, “Well, if he does not respect his marriage, why should I?” or “He said that he and his wife have an understanding,” or “He said that he and his wife live separate lives.” All of these sound like a slice of justification pie to me. Last I checked, being married meant that a person wasn’t single.
It may be painful to read but, ladies, let’s try to own up to our part when we engage in situations that we know are wrong from the rip and really don’t live up to our worth. Also, when it is clear that we are wrong, let us apologize sooner than later without justification.
We can’t, nor should we, expect men to do what we are not willing to do ourselves.
Last Words
Kevin Samuels truly wasn’t the problem. He just exposed a deeper level of dysfunction between how some men and some women relate to each other.
The fact that so many men agreed with Kevin Samuels and so many women were offended by him, for me, speaks volumes and presents an opportunity for growth and healing if we’re up to the task. It’s really up to our smaller communities to take advantage of the opportunity if we want to heal and learn how to treat and relate to each other better.
If you’re a woman and found that you were hurt by what Kevin Samuels shared in his content, sit down and ask yourself, “Why?” Was it simply the delivery or was there some truth to what he said, and it was just hard to hear? If it was true, then only you will know what it is, and only you can decide if it’s worth working towards healing for your highest benefit.
If you’re a man and agreed with Kevin Samuels, sit down and ask yourself, “Why?” Was the agreement based upon some past hurt caused by a woman? Was your agreement grounded in a desire to control or get back at women or get them to submit to you? Additionally (and this won’t apply to all), did Kevin Samuels serve as a shield because you are actually intimidated by or secretly hate women? If this is true, then only you can decide if you will get professional help to work though those challenges.
None of us are perfect. Working on ourselves ultimately helps strengthen our community.
We can heal, if we’re ready to do the work.
To quote a respected scholar, “We all we got!!”
Remember, there can be no Kevin Samuels’ of the world, if we are healthy.
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